Living Dead in a State of Nothingness
by tinylexie
Summary: Thoughts that Darken Rahl would never share with another creature.


I've never felt like I belonged

In the world of the living.

I've spent my life surrounded by other people,

But they always seemed so distant from me.

I could reach out to them,

But I could not touch them

In any real meaningful way;

But that never bothered me.

I have long ago separated myself from humanity,

All because of prophecy and my destiny to die

At the hands of my own baby brother,

Someone I should have been able to love.

I feel nothing for others.

I am an empty shell,

But I don't care because I don't need anyone.

I'm alone in both the world of the living

And in the underworld.

I could never form a meaningful connection

In the world of the living

Because of prophecy,

And I can no longer form a meaningful connection

In the underworld

Because of the Keeper's betrayal.

Both the living and the dead want me to die at the Seeker's hands.

I'm alone no matter where I'm at,

But I don't care because I don't need anyone.

No one has ever been there for me

In any real meaningful way,

So why should I be there for anyone else

In any real meaningful way?

I only serve myself; I only care about myself.

To love another is a foolish, idiotic thought.

No one feels anything meaningful towards me.

To my people I am their master to be obeyed,

But love and loyalty do not always go together.

My people serve me out of fear, not love,

But that does not bother me.

Love is such a pathetic thing.

Love is not the saving grace

That some people make it out to be.

Love cannot save me from my dark fate.

There is no love for me in prophecy,

So why should there be love for me in life?

I have given in to darkness

In order to preserve my life.

No one else was going to help me

To save my life.

I was all alone.

If I was going to save my life,

I was going to have to do it by myself.

Prophecy called me a monster,

And everyone believed that.

Why else would so many people want to kill me?

But I am not a monster; I am human.

No, I am not human.

I haven't been human since I was a boy,

Since I gave my soul to the Keeper and became a baneling,

Since I promised the Keeper that I would deliver him many souls.

I am not human, but I am not a monster either.

I have a right to live just like everyone else,

Even if prophecy says otherwise.

I don't know what I am.

All I know is that only I care about my life.

Not even the Keeper, who I thought of as a father,

Cares about my life.

He wanted me dead just like everyone else.

If I don't care about my life,

It would be meaningless,

And I couldn't stand to be meaningless.

I couldn't stand to be nothing.

Yet I can't escape from the harsh words,

"And what would you know of love,

Except that you will never feel it from anyone?"

Why should such words bother me?

I don't want to know about love.

I don't care about could die forever,

And that wouldn't disturb my sleep.

I shouldn't have been touched

By my sister's tender kiss on my cheek

And her gentle touch on my shoulder,

But I was.

It makes no sense.

I've been a baneling for most of my life.

I gave up my humanity at a young age.

I killed without a conscience.

I allowed myself to become soulless.

I am living dead.

I am living dead in a state of nothingness.

I can't afford to have feelings for others.

I can't afford to be soft.

Prophecy said my destiny was death

At the hands of my own baby brother,

Someone I should have been able to love.

I became what prophecy wanted me to be,

And now I feel no meaningful connection to anyone;

Yet sometimes something strange and unknown

Stirs up inside me,

And it's not emptiness and nothingness.

For too long I have denied the fact that I am human,

But I am human,

Despite what prophecy says.

Why do I want to be human so much?

It is not because I am jealous

Of what my brother has with the Mother Confessor.

It is not because of that at all.

Why should I ever desire love?

I am living dead.

I am living dead in a state of nothingness;

Yet now I am free of the Keeper,

And now I want to truly live.

I don't know why I want to live

In a state of true meaningfulness.

I do not feel like I belong in the world of the living,

But I do not feel like I belong in the underworld either.

I don't belong anywhere.

I can never escape my fate, my destiny,

Which is to live dead forever,

To live dead in a state of nothingness for eternity.


End file.
